Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a  hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)

On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On a  dessert: Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)

On a  Pudding packet:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )

On packaging for an  iron:Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)

On  Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On  peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)


On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)